41.

Why is a haiku

Seventeen syllables long?

Why why why why why

42.

Gosh I like caffeine

Tastiest of legal drugs

I wrote this quickly

43.

I guess mums and dads

Sisters and brothers and aunts

Are all relative

44.

I watch cool cartoons

I eat tasty party pies

I am an adult

45.

If God is so great

Why won’t he lend me five bucks?

God is dead. And broke.

46.

A sars of glider

And a nice knot of poodles

For Reverend Spooner

47.

Don’t buy me nice things

I’m not worth the investment

Spend it all on beer

48.

Dinner with parents

Complaints about no grandkids

Worth it for the food

49.

Don’t say no to drugs

Don’t say anything to drugs

Stop talking to drugs!

50.

I typed thesaurus

On an online thesaurus

My laptop blew up

I found this on my desktop. I have no idea when or why I wrote it.

1. If a vampire accidentally bites his tongue, his tongue turns into a tiny vampire.

2. Their fear of garlic means they will never be able to really enjoy a good pasta prima vera.

3. Crosses kill vampires, so if you double-cross a vampire you kill him twice.

4. If a vampire is exposed to the sun he turns into dust, which means none of his clothes fit.

5. Vampires sleep in coffins, which makes vampire slumber parties weird and depressing.

6. If you try to baptize a vampire you just end up melting his face off.

7. Vampires live forever, which sounds cool but it means they’ve heard every joke 30 465 times at least.

8. Vampires are constantly being mistaken for members of bad emo/punk/goth bands.

9. Vampires are very capable. By which I mean they often wear capes.

10. Sports fans abuse vampires when their team doesn’t win. Oh wait, that’s umpires.

This article was written by Colin Flaherty and first published by The Groggy Squirrel in 2008 while I was promoting my 2008 Edinburgh Fringe Show.

The original article is HERE.

Edinburgh Fringe – James Hazelden in Freeloader

A regular visitor to the Edinburgh Fringe as part of Man Bites God, James Hazelden is attending as a solo performer this year. Between roadtesting some songs for an audience and preparing for the trip, James spared a few minutes for a chat.

The name of your show is Freeloader. Please explain.

When I travel overseas, I only ever go to countries where there is a couch for me. I have an aversion to hotels, so it’s very me; a very couch lifestyle. I’m doing 19 shows in Edinburgh and afterwards I’m going to Europe. I only go to places where someone goes “There’s a mate, they’ll be cool & will have a couch for you to sleep on”. It suits me.

Will you be performing all new songs for the show?

No. There is a lot of new songs, but I was overseas last year playing cello in a folk duo with Chloe Hall, spent two months in Europe and did a few solo shows in Wales. I wrote a lot of songs in that time & they form the basis of a lot of the stuff, but Edinburgh hasn’t seen a lot of my stuff. I used to be in band before Man Bites God called “The Drowning Hitlers” and in fact one of the songs I played tonight (James was warming up with a couple of sets at Local Laughs) was from the old days, so it’s kind of a mixture of old stuff and really new stuff, but stuff no one has really seen before. I’ve brought it out and updated.

Do you often have to adapt your songs for different audiences in different countries?

Sometimes. Man Bites God was in Edinburgh in 2004 and there were a couple of songs we found just didn’t work. We had a song that we thought was hilarious about threesomes, a very silly song, and in Australia it killed; totally killed, it was a great song. On the first night of our Edinburgh show we knew it was going to go right off. Everyone in the audience was European, they were looking at us and literally you could see them thinking “Yeah. Threesomes. I’ve just come from a threesome. To be here tonight I had to leave a threesome.” From the second show, that song was cut so there is often a learning curve. I actually really like that though, I’m not really a big fan of doing the same show every night. You can see me mucking around on stage, I’m happy to fuck around and do different things. When you do nineteen shows at a venue it’s going to morph into something else. There’s going to be songs that don’t work & ones that turn out funnier than I thought. It makes things interesting and that means you’re not doing it on automatic pilot, so with no beginning, middle and end I am free to wander.

Will there much of the genre hopping that you do with Man Bites God? Or it just you and a guitar?

Yes, it’s just me and a guitar which is a really interesting limitation. How stupid is this? What I did was, I’m going to take the two funnier members of MBG out of the equation! I’m going to miss them but what it means is the show, by it’s nature I have to rely more on the lyrics and singing. Man Bites God was never gimmicky, we love music so much that we play in a lot of genres. By taking the folk approach this time around, it’s more storytelling and getting the songs across to people. After writing 6 or more festival shows, this is bringing it back to basics. I’m not the best guitarist in the world, so it really does all come down to the content of the songs rather than the arrangement. It’s a new way of working that wakes me up after millions of gigs.

James will be performing Freeloader at Nicol Edwards (29-35 Niddry Street, Edinburgh). See the Fringe Website for full details.

31.

Kaleidoscopic

Irresponsibility

Inevitable

32.

“Justifiable”

Socioeconomic

Xenophobia

33.

Lasciviously

Heterosexual

Hippopotamus

34.

Never buy razors

In packs of more than seven

They’ll be really crap

35.

I hope parents who

Take their kids to the football

Take them to plays too

36.

Europe is at work

Australia is sleeping

The web is peaceful

37.

Never absolutes

No rules we need to follow

Including that one

38.

I got it all done

And still had time left over

To drink hot green tea

39.

You’d smile more if you

Loved the ambiguity

You keep denying

40.

I can post this verse

Whilst sitting on the toilet

The future is now!

This was an article published on festivalpreviews.com while I was promoting my 2011 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Show.

Today we chat with Australian comedy writer, musician, performer and restless soul….James Hazelden.  The List neatly describes him as “The Bob Dylan of comedy music”. In addition, this restless young Aussie performer plays guitar, piano, cello, accordion, keyboards and of course sings…..

Free Agent – A Free Show by James Hazelden
18th – 27th August 7.30pm
Base Nightclub (Venue 56)
FREE – 10 SHOWS ONLY

1. Describe yourself?

If you don’t like puns then I’m an Australian comedy musician troubadour who sings funny songs and tells funny stories. If you do like puns then I’m “troub-adorable”.  Either way is fine by me. I don’t judge you.

2. Tell us about your show/s at this year’s 2011 Edinburgh Fringe?

Free Agent is a show full of dark, funny love songs. There are also songs about death, sex and God. If this is all a bit heavy then you’ll be pleased to know there are also songs about disease, murder and squids.

3. What lasting image can be captured from seeing one of your shows?

Hundreds of people lining up to buy my new CD, “The Man Who Broke His Own Heart”, after the shows.

4. What’s your catchphrase?

Please buy my new CD “The Man Who Broke His Own Heart” after the show.

5. What inspires your creative processes?

A childish, mean-spirited desire to be more successful than my friends, many of whom are quite talented and successful.

6. How would you describe the perfect “Review”?

A good review is one that describes a mood and feel of a show without giving away any of the plot, jokes or material. A good review judges a show on what it is trying to achieve rather than the preconceptions and prejudices of the reviewer. A good review gives me 5 stars and nothing but raves even if they think I’m shit.

7. What really bugs you travelling from show to show?

Inconsistent strengths of coffee at airports.

8. Have you ever thought of leaving the arts and pursuing a so called, “steadier career”?

No. As a solo performer I already hate everyone I work with.

9. You’re ruler of the People’s Republic in your local area. What’s the first law you would enact?

Anyone caught standing still on a moving walkway or escalator should be made to do push-ups until they vomit.

10. A film is made of your life. What would it be called and who would you choose to play you?

The film of my life would be called “The Man Who Everyone Liked and Found Entertaining for Some Reason” and would star Jude Law as me and Gore Vidal as “The Chief”