Mar 29

Cassettes

 

Cassettes, unlike any other music medium, made the listener have to play the entire album through. I loved that, and to this day I give every track on an album an equal amount of attention. Songs like Distant Sun or Maybe I’m Amazed or Cannonball are great singles, but are better when listened to as part of the whole album.

 

Compactcassette

 

Everyone has their favourite scenes in movies, but most of us don’t compile them into a supercut. The scenes are good because of their context and juxtaposition to the other scenes around them. I feel the same way about songs.

Mar 24

Quarantine Diaries Day Four

 

Sunday 22 March 2020

 

I invented a new dance today. I call it the Wizzle Woozle Wap! It consists of jogging on the spot and weeping at your own mediocrity. I think it could be the next Twist or Macarena or polio vaccine.

 

And speaking of vaccines, I read somewhere that scientists may be one step closer to finding a cure for Corona Virus. Apparently they have worked out a way to hurt its feelings. Science is pretty amazing when you think about it. And when you don’t think about it, that’s sport!

 

As I type this I know some asshole is already writing Corona Virus: The Musical! for next year’s comedy festival. Despair…

Mar 24

Quarantine Diary Day Three

 

Saturday 21st of March 2020

 

Day three and I am no closer to knowing how to spell quaranteen. I can only pray that the virus has not disabled auto-correct on my computer.

 

I wrote this joke on social media: ‘If you think things are bad now, just wait a year when we’ll have to endure art, music and standup shows about the Corona Virus.’ Not a bad joke. It got 24 likes on Facebook, 14 racist comments on Twitter and 3 dickpics on Instagram. Pretty good.

 

I think the best way to cope with the isolation is to pretend that it was all your idea – so I’m paying my wife $400 a day for the “Full Isolation Package” at Casa de Hazelden. For people who don’t speak French, ‘Casa de Hazelden’ is German for┬áschadenfreude.

 

 

Mar 24

Quarantine Diary Day Two

 

Friday 20th March 2020

 

We had to cancel our Melbourne International Comedy Festival show. Breaking the news to the cast and crew know was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Mainly because I was trying to mime it to them. I had to. My mouth was full of golf balls for some reason.

 

The impact of the Corona Virus on the arts community is devastating. However, if it means that Mel Gibson cancels his One Man Q&A Tour of Australia, all the death and pain have been worthwhile.

Mar 24

Quarantine Diary Day One

 

Thursday 19th March 2020

 

I wrote a song called All You Need is Love and when my wife told me it had already been written I screamed, “Yoko!” at her. She’s stopped talking to me but how long’s that going to last? I’m the only one who knows where I hid our taps.

 

Also, it’s just as well I bought all the toilet-paper because now there’s a shortage.

 

There’s a lot of mis-information about Corona Virus out there, and the best way to avoid it is to make up your own. For example, did you know that the Corona Virus had its name legally changed to COVID 19 because it was an easier personalised license plate to get?

 

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