Jun 08

The Grounds for Caffeinated

 

Sometimes the dumb stuff I post on Twitter, Facebook and various other social networking sites become ideas that end up in songs.

For example, the song Caffeinated, from my album “The Man Who Broke His Own Heart”, was based on this blog written and published on the Man Bites God website very early on a Monday morning way back in 2005.

And here it is:

“It’s about 3.45am. We spent the night having pizza and a band meeting where we got a lot done. We talked about gigs and rehearsed some songs. And I drank a lot of coffee and ate some chocolate, so when everyone else went home at about 1am I couldn’t go to sleep.

I sat in front of the computer, looking blankly at the screen for about half an hour. Then I turned the computer on. More staring. Then I wrote a song that contained the line “clergical procedure” and I laughed so hard I fell off my chair. When I was on the floor I forgot where I was or what I was doing and the carpet man who seemed to simultaneously appear and yet had always been there, told me that the other carpet men needed me to spill more food on the carpet because that’s how carpet men eat. And when I asked him where the carpet women were and how they procreated as a fibrous/molecular entity without a female species he just laughed and held up a mirror and I realized I was John Denver.

At this moment the chicken wings I had been heating up in the microwave flew out of the kitchen and politely informed me I didn’t have a microwave and that I had been trying to warm them in a dish of doll water (made by placing a doll in a blender and then adding sugar and dividing the whole thing by 7) They also told me they were able to tell me about my absence of microwave because they all recently purchased lips on ebay. Then they flew off before the carpet men could spear them and drag them below the surface.

Meanwhile several sleepy bored people were knocking on my door demanding to speak to my mormons, and my house had become a vapour cloud and I couldn’t find a jar to keep the vapour cloud in because even my jars were part of a vapour cloud and I didn’t want to make John Denver look stupid by attempting to insert a large vapour cloud into a small portion of vapour cloud. Then Buddha appeared before me and corrected my posture, and I could only speak in alphabetical order and no one was there, including me, and I woke up… and it had all been a reality.

I guess I was just a little sleep deprived.”

The song Caffeinated and the album, The Man Who Broke His Own Heart, are available HERE on CD and MP3.

May 31

100 Haikus (71 – 80)

 

71.

Some coffee and cake

A piano, a guitar

And the internet

 

72.

A recording date

Has been confirmed for a song

I haven’t written

 

73.

I eat my dessert

Standing up in the kitchen

While the main meal cooks

 

74.

I may not be rich

Or handsome or brave or cool

Or clever or… fuck

 

75.

He saw the error

Of everyone else’s ways

But never his own

 

76.

They live in the place

Between his unhappiness

And her happiness

 

77.

Indestructo-man!

The only thing that hurts him:

When she didn’t call

 

78.

Poor little bullet

You only do a good job

When you are fired

 

79.

I stay up late to

Make my weekend seem longer

Tired on Monday

 

80.

Laughter and sex are

Two of my favourite things

Not at the same time

 

May 29

Meme Weaver

I made another one of these meme things because, just like everyone who makes them, I crave attention.

 

May 09

Like No Business I Know

 

Recently I volunteered to be an extra in a corporate video for my friends at Ready to Roll Media. I essayed the pivotal role of “Man Texting in the Background”. While professional actors were playing the showier (and consequently easier) main roles, many unsung heros like myself were taking on the more challenging parts in the project. This included some guy as “Sitting Man”, two women as “People Having a Chat” and a young person who won our hearts with his moving portrayal of “Man on Crutches”.

 

 

 

 

<—— Me.

 

 

 

I told the director that I had decided to play my character with a slight limp. He told me that my character was sitting down for the entire scene. Then he told me to take off the eye-patch, false nose and fake beard I was wearing. “But who is “Man Texting in the Background?” I cried. “Where is he from? What’s his back story? Who is he texting? And why? I must know my motivation!”

 

The director’s response of “it doesn’t really matter as you’ll be a blur in the background while the real actors are talking” did not dampen my enthusiasm for the project. Nor did his increasing cries of “is there anyone else we can use?” I gave the performance my all, mutely stabbing at the buttons of my phone with a mixture of tenderness and regret that I knew would land me at least a nomination for the Best Supporting Actor Academy Award in a Corporate DVD… if there was such a category… which there isn’t. At the end of the take I was spent, having poured my very soul into the scene. I collapsed weeping to the ground and remained there for several hours until I realized everyone had gone home and a cleaner was trying to vacuum around me.

 

I would like to thank the crew at Ready to Roll for putting me in their corporate DVD. But I won’t thank them by name. I’m saving that for my acceptance speech.

 

THE END

Apr 23

Days of the Weak

 

Monday mourning.

 

Tuesday. Or choose not to day.

 

Wednesday’s wren wonders when.

 

Today is the Thursday of the rest of your life.

 

Friday - a weak end before a weakened weekend.

 

Saturday, then I got up and stood a day.

 

Sunday we will all look back on this and laugh.

 

 

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