Are you presently slaving over your noir screenplay or novel? Of course you are. Everyone is. Don’t get bogged down trying to think of names for the inhabitants of your future masterpiece, just help yourself to one or more of the all-purpose noir names below.

1. Handy Le Job
2. Spats Moscowitz
3. Sargeant Brick Shithouse
4. Tiffany Ferrariface
5. Dirk Rancid
6. Able Willingham
7. Britches O’Spanky
8. Carrot Noodlesheim
9. Richard Richingwise III
10. Baps O’Plenty

So you don’t have to ask me on Monday morning…

1. I made my DVD of The Avengers make out with my DVD of The Dark Knight.

2. I started learning ventriloquism so I could convince my housemate that our fridge is calling him an asshole.

3. I deliberately and wantonly ate ice cream in front of dieting people.

4. I vacuumed swear words into the dust on my shelves.

5. I rubbed a lampshade because I thought it would make The Party Genie appear. It didn’t.

6. I stood in front of the pipe organ at St Paul’s Cathedral and shouted, “that’s a big organ” 434 times until I was asked to leave.

7. I gave a girl a pendant with some of my drool in it.

8. I wondered whether anyone was trying to teach a correspondence course in literacy.

9. I started drawing a cartoon of Muhammad but gave up because I couldn’t get the eyes right.

10. I invented a robot that listens to talkback radio so no human has to anymore.

If you’re a comedian and booked to play a club with the following name, you might want to rethink it. Or kill yourself. Whatever. It doesn’t really matter because I just made them up.

1. The Chuckle Bucket
2. Comedians De Latte
3. Turn On, Tune In, Prop Out – All Prop Comedy – 7 Days-a-Week!
4. Uncle Happy’s Giggle Factory (and Brothel)
5. Something Smells Funny Theatre Restaurant
6. The Improv Sack
7. The Gag Reflex
8. Next Window Please! – The World’s Only Drivethru Comedy Club
9. The (Sick) Burn Ward
10. The Larf ‘n’ Barf

Here are 10 awesome new catchphrases to start using in everyday conversation. Get in quick because in a year everyone is going to be saying these:

1. I’m shutting the up out of here!
2. Pickles or peanuts. It’s all the same to me!
3. I’d put THAT in parentheses!
4. You’re the contagion and I’m the antidote!
5. Squirty is as squirty does!
6. Holy Jesus Christ-bot!
7. Papal Decree Schmapal Decree!
8. Let me stretch my think-fingers towards that!
9. Maybe if you put a ramp up to it!
10. That’s what SHE parsed!

91.

She’s a mystery

Wrapped up in an enigma

Wrapped up in my arms

92.

Thousands came to hear

Jesus speak, and all he served

Were fish sandwiches

93.

The politicians

None of them have an ethos

Votes are their Jesus

94.

Ah, the Internet

Everybody is famous

And nobody is

95.

Compartments for songs

“You’re pop/rock/alt/comedy”

Am I? Whatever

96.

If you know for sure

You won’t succumb, that means it

Isn’t temptation

97.

Fake controversy

Don’t me tell what offends me

It’s so tiresome

98.

Brain is either blocked

Or hemorrhaging ideas

Never in-between

99.

We are not monsters

But we all follow orders

Given by monsters

100.

I play my new song

She lies and says she likes it

They can’t all be gold