Way back in 1994 my friend Gregory Mackay and I wrote a newsletter for our friends. No internet. We wrote stories and drew comics, photocopied them and sent them to our friends in the post. Seriously. It was called The Spiel and there were only four issues. They are too unfunny and pathetic and self-pitying to publish in full but here are some comics I wrote for them.

As you can see, my drawing style has always been of a very high standard.

81.

I walk on eggshells

I dance with the devil and

I skate on thin ice

82.

My mum texts me now

It takes her a long long time

Some words are misspelled

83.

Quietly singing

Song ideas into my phone

In a restaurant

84.

Time with each other

They smirk and say we’re lovers

Let them all think it

85.

Didn’t want to sit

In Santa’s lap because he’d

Been kissing Mummy…

86.

I wish she were here

Or I was there… but not both

That would be stupid

87.

She said she was French

Then she said she was joking

That is not a joke

88.

She didn’t know he

Was vain, shallow and empty

Not for the first year…

89.

One thing about me:

Sad films are the only thing

That will make me cry

90.

If the joke falls flat

Say it again and again

Till it gets a laugh

Ok. This is just a bunch of posts I made on Twitter on a trending topic, masquerading as a coherent blog. But whatever, it’s free. Shutup.

1. Can you do a mashup of a new Madonna song and me screaming because you’re playing a new Madonna song?

2. When does the string quartet get here? Will they also be dressed like a fuckwit?

3. Can you please tell me your name without prefacing it with the letters “D” and “J”?

4. Does the new DJ even need a computer? Can’t you just reach out an turn on everyone’s iPhones for them?

5. What does the J stand for anyway?

6. If the power fails or your computer crashes, will you just start screaming out other people’s jokes?

7. I just found out the “J” in “DJ” stands for jockey. Does that makes you a little guy who rides a computer like a horsie?

8. Are you aware that everyone is making fun of you on the Internet right now?

9. Is yours the only art form where you can “create” and check your emails at the same time?

10. My friend from Japan thought “DJ” stood for “Dick Jockey”. I did not correct him. Should I have?

11. Are you aware that you are standing where actual musicians once stood when people enjoyed live music?

12. What time does this shitty mall close anyway?

Yeah I made another one of these stupid things because people who make these stupid things are kind of annoying…

Yep. Didn’t really think it through.

1. I did a wee and called it homework.

2. I accidentally called my teacher “Mum”. Then I insisted he breastfeed me.

3. I caught the bus all by myself. Then I lay in wait to trap something bigger like a truck or a glider.

4. I cried because I missed my Mum. And also because some older boys had stapled a wren to my cheek.

5. Mum left a note in my lunchbox which read, “Your lunch is in a smaller boy’s lunchbox. NOW GO GET IT!”

6. I was asked to see the Principal. Then I was asked to smell him. Then I was given some money.

7. I learnt that a compass could be something that helps you find north or it could be that thing you’ve been stabbed with.

8. I pretended to be Caligula during nap time.