Here are 5 things that will definitely happen in 2013:

1. My new, as-yet-untitled solo album will be released and accompanied by a tour.

2. I will be asked to be a guest judge on the new Australian talent show, “So You Think You Can Yodel”.

3. There will be a new series of Man Bites God’s Theatre of the World Podcast.

4. Parody Songs will replace sarcasm as the lowest form of wit.

5. Recording will begin on a new album. Or maybe two new albums.

Stay tuned.

Yep. I made another one of these. Pretty much the same as all the other ones. But whatever. Enjoy.

Men huh? Am I right? I mean what’s the deal… and so forth… etc.

Anyway here are ten cooking tips for men:

1. Don’t drop the cake on your male genitalia.
2. When shopping for capsicums remember a high percentage of men suffer from red/green colour-blindness
3. Be careful not to get your thick beard caught in the microwave.
4. Don’t cook or eat any estrogen unless you wish to become more feminine.
5. If you try to close the fridge door using your hips, it might be very slightly less effective than if a woman did it.
6. Don’t spill hot soup on your Adam’s apple.
7. Remember when you slow cook that you have a shorter life expectancy than a female.
8. Don’t attempt to use your vagina to stir anything because you don’t have one.
9. Don’t accidentally put your prostate in the salad.
10. Men do not enjoy having tips cooked for them because tips are not food.

Who doesn’t like money? Only communists and the dead. And easy money is the best kind of money. Want to make easy money? Well hear we go…

I would pay someone $5:

1. To walk up to a policeman and demand to be arrested because “my sexiness is making everyone crazy”.

2. To drink a litre of that weird water that collects at the bottom of the tray after you microwave an instant meal.

3. If they poured dirt into someone’s cappuccino and then asked for money because now it was a muddy-cino.

4. If they strummed cooked spaghetti like it was guitar strings and then… I don’t know… did a poo or something.

5. To walk up to a priest, point to your crotch and scream, “this is where the magic happens”.

6. To make a detailed website about how to smoke your own pubic hair in a bong.

7. To make a 3-hour science-fiction/spaghetti western movie about the time my headphones brushed against the floor of a public men’s room.

8. To dress up like an owl, visit a kindergarten and moo like a cow.

9. To empty the contents of my vacuum cleaner into their eye lids.

10. To use their scrotum as a tiny change purse.

*these are not real offers and will not be honoured. It’s sad that I felt the need to write that.

If you enjoy this, A Dictionary of My Own – Book One is HERE.

Beermint: the flavour that is created when trying to cover up alcoholic breath with chewing gum.

Controll: a mythical beast who is in prison.

Defendestrate: a self-defense course based entirely on throwing your attacker through a window.

Ex-pensive: I used to be thoughtful, but now I have money.

Hockey Puck: The sound someone makes when they sneeze with a mouthful of rice.

Nostralgic: to become wistful for the days when you didn’t have such ugly nostrils.

Prostitute: a school where you go to become professional at something.

Satis-factory: the place where they manufacture contentment.

Spelling Wasps: European Spelling Bees.

Sycophantide: the killing of a brownnoser.

Unfairomones: the reason for unadvisable and unexplainable attraction to a terrible person.