So you don’t have to ask me on Monday morning…

 

1. I made my DVD of The Avengers make out with my DVD of The Dark Knight.

 

2. I started learning ventriloquism so I could convince my housemate that our fridge is calling him an asshole.

 

3. I deliberately and wantonly ate ice cream in front of dieting people.

 

4. I vacuumed swear words into the dust on my shelves.

 

5. I rubbed a lampshade because I thought it would make The Party Genie appear. It didn’t.

 

6. I stood in front of the pipe organ at St Paul’s Cathedral and shouted, “that’s a big organ” 434 times until I was asked to leave.

 

7. I gave a girl a pendant with some of my drool in it.

 

8. I wondered whether anyone was trying to teach a correspondence course in literacy.

 

9. I started drawing a cartoon of Muhammad but gave up because I couldn’t get the eyes right.

 

10. I invented a robot that listens to talkback radio so no human has to anymore.