Dec 21

A Poem For Gregory (1993)


My wonderful friend and talented comic-book artist Gregory Mackay recently sent me a copy of a poem I wrote to him in the back of a Speech Night program in 1993. We were both about 18 years old.


The poem is terrible. Obviously. And the handwriting is childish. And I can’t spell “Bar Mitzvah”.





A Poem For Gregory


As the air makes itself known

To my soul’s colon, I am to moan

And make nonsense of something

So tangible. My teenage angst brings

Its usual wave of pubescent apathy.

What is apathy anyway?

I don’t care.


As I lie still in my wall to wall

Fleshpot, I become brilliant. So all

My life is at an end – except the

Unending bits. And I will try to be

The salt on your fish fingers forever.

The pork at your bar mitzvah – never.

Fuck you all



James Hazelden



Oct 06

10 Reasons Why Batman is Better Than Jesus


They’re both completely and utterly fictional. But one is way cooler when it comes to worship…


  1. The Dark Knight didn’t die for your sins. The Dark Knight punched your sins in the eye.


  1. When Joseph and Mary were held up at gunpoint on the way home from the chariot races, Jesus did nothing. NOTHING!


  1. Bruce Wayne’s Dad was way nicer and more rich than Jesus’ Dad.


  1. No contest in terms of who had the better super-villains: The Joker would make Pontius Pilate and Judas run up a tree in terror.


  1. Jesus would have been so much harder for the Romans to catch and crucify if he’d been posing as a wealthy playboy.


  1. 12 sidekicks? That is way too many sidekicks.


  1. Unlike Jesus, Batman never needed anyone to say thank you to him.


  1. When they rolled away the rock, Batman he wasn’t there. He hadn’t ascended to heaven, he was just kicking back in Italy with Catwoman.


  1. At Easter we should be commemorating the time when Bruce Wayne finally made the climb out of the pit and punched Bane in the face because it is a much better story.


  1. Batman had no parents. Jesus had three parents. And one of them was omnipotent.


 This was first performed on the Theatre of the World Podcast.



Aug 24

Low Season: About the Album


Low Season is the second Act of James Hazelden’s “Gentleman Caller Trilogy”.


Low Season is a parlour album of darkly funny acoustic folk ballads and alt-country tunes for people who like songs about sadness and absurdity.


Low Season is James Hazelden’s most personal and intimate album to date. It’s an album stripped bare of everything but the most elemental parts needed to make a song, and sounds like a ghostly live-to-air radio concert, broadcast from an unnamed radio station, in an unnamed town.

Acoustic guitar, piano and cello are really the only instruments on the album, with a little ukulele, accordion and violin thrown in for good measure. Over this simple selection of accompaniment, Hazelden sings, snarls, croons, falsetto’s and serenades a selection of his saddest, funniest, most wry songs to date. Whether it be the deeply personal stories of My Father’s Dying Words and Emma, to the more satirical I Fall For That Same Trick Every Time, to the downright bitter When’s It Gonna Be My Turn and Little Dreams, Low Season invites the listener to enjoy the bare bones of music with nothing else to distract you.




Low Season is a wonderfully funny and enjoyably depressing set of songs. And that’s what the world of music probably needs now more than ever.

Low Season is available on iTunes

Low Season is available on CD or download at CDBABY

Jul 14

Low Season: The Deluxe CD Edition


LowSeasonSpecial Edition


The Low Season Deluxe Edition CD




Standard CD copy of the album

Original hand-drawn and signed cartoon artwork

Free download track: Temperance Song


This rare edition of the new CD can only be bought at shows.

The album is being launched in Melbourne on 4 August 2013.

Tickets HERE.

Facebook invite HERE.

Other shows HERE.

Jun 05

10 Personal Superstitions


If you’re someone who is usually a very rational person but sometimes you have a few silly superstitions that you follow because you believe they bring you good luck or keep you safe, then get over yourself because you’re actually not very rational.


Here are a few of mine:


  1. I always say “God Bless You” after some sneezes or robs a bank.
  2. I never call it “Macbeth”. I always call it “That Dumb Scottish Play Written by Some Asshole”
  3. If I don’t give every dog I see a cute nickname, I firmly believe that I will grow tiny mouths on my eyes.
  4. When I see a black cat, I douse it in superglue and dip it in glitter.
  5. I actually broke my mother’s back so that I could walk on cracks in the sidewalk with impunity.
  6. Whenever I spill salt I have to rub a mouse on my elbow.
  7. On Friday the 13th I can only go to the toilet if someone watches.
  8. I avoid using irony on any day that ends with the word “day”.
  9. I cross my legs behind my back when telling a lie to a corpse.
  10. I always say grace before masturbating.


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